July 25, 2012

"Diagnosis Depression"

It's been almost two years since the sobbing,irritability and a host of other symptoms consumed me.

For the past few weeks I've been frantically seeking therapy-and for the first five phone calls I was told that because I have insurance I couldn't qualify for a reduced fee and since my insurance wouldn't pay a single cent towards counseling until our deductible is met,I had to slam the phone down out of frustration each time.

Every time I would hear "I'm sorry,we aren't able to help you" I would feel instant sadness....How could I keep putting myself out there,asking for help and being turned away?

I finally received a phone call back from a christian counseling clinic.
"We can help you"


I had to wait a week for an appointment that would fit into my schedule.....and that week was LONG.

Today was the day.

I met my therapist.
As soon as she asked me to share my 'story',I just burst into tears!
"I'm sorry,I thought I might do this" I said.
"You aren't the first one,it happens a lot" she replied.

I started my story by explaining how my life turned upside down soon after I became pregnant for Jacobi in October 2010.
I told her how I'd been sick and how I wanted to sleep all day,yet no matter how tired I was,getting to sleep at night was impossible for me.

I went on to share how after I had Jacobi,I was unable to shed the baby weight and how completely exhausted I was.
I explained that I cried a lot and how I just wanted to lay in bed all day.
I described-with tears streaming down my face-how difficult just providing for my other children had become,how making the boys dinner took everything out of me.
It was at this point that she looked me in the eyes and with a sympathetic face asked "Do you know now what all of this was?"
I nodded.

"Postpartum Depression"

She didn't have to tell me....

I went on to share how my whole life is affected by these feelings.
How I still don't want to get out of bed,how anxious I feel and how I often just want to run away.

When I told her how I have reoccurring dreams about leaving my children at home alone while I go somewhere,only to remember and rush home to them,she informed me that I am probably very hard on myself.

"You want to be a good mom,but when you don't do something as 'good' as you think you should,this is your brain continuing to beat you up,even in your sleep!"

We talked about some homeopathic things I can try.

Omega-3's and avoiding caffeine are on my list.
Recognizing when I'm feeling a certain way and writing it down in a journal so we can discuss ways to manage those feelings.
She is glad that I'm a breakfast eater and wants me to continue with the type of diet/nutrition I am currently eating.

After over an hour of balling my eyes out,I realized that I had touched on so many subjects and I still have more to talk about!

My therapist said a prayer to close my session,and I just couldn't stop crying!
"I must have needed this for a while!" I said.
"It can be good for you to get things out" she replied.

She handed me a book "Women's Mood's-what every woman must know about hormones,the brain and emotional health" by Deborah Sichel M.D. and Jeanne Watson Driscoll,M.S.,C.S.

I look forward to having quiet time so I can read it.

She also noted that I shouldn't yet rule out medication because sometimes it is really needed and can be very helpful.
"I don't want to leave you hanging out there for too long" she said.

Thank God.

I'm tired of hanging.
That's how I feel most of the time...I'm just *here*.

I'm only getting through the day-not living it.

Hopefully a few months of ball-my-eyes-out sessions will help me get back where I want to be......


  1. Hang in there mama. Taking the time to heal is just what you need to do, but don't rush it. You WILL get back to enjoying daily life and the joys our little ones bring us, but you need to take care of you right now. And your children need to see you taking care of you, because you are teaching them a valuable lesson that often is left untaught in our society. Stay strong, keep getting those feelings out there, and know that others are thinking of you.

  2. Aww,thanks!
    I actually find blogging helpful in many ways.
    My neighbor once told me that when you're depressed,just helping others can be a self-help therapy.
    Many of the topics I research and blog about may be of help to others,but I feel like sharing my story of postpartum depression can help as much-if not more.
    One of the things that has kept me going is just knowing that I'm not alone-just being able to relate to another woman is very helpful.
    Thanks for commenting!