March 13, 2012

And then the ice cube fell on the floor....

It's been a rough day.
I've had a battle going on in my brain since 6am.

Why should I pretend to be happy all the time....I just can't force myself to tell everyone that I am 'blessed' to have a child with autism....blessed to have my child,yes!
But lately,I feel like the walls are closing in again.

Some parents of children with autism might be able to blog about how autism brought them together,or how the new therapies are working well.
Maybe they're in denial that autism affects their family......

I feel like I'm alone.
I feel like day in and day out this is my life.....I want to cry.I want to scream.
I want to get rid of the knot in my stomach.

I am tired of the traumatic moments in my day.
I shudder thinking about him screaming at me.......
I see him influencing his younger brothers behavior.
What can I do to make it STOP.

I wouldn't be human if I said our life is perfect with autism.
I have searched for help for nearly 6 years!
I have had more than 13 different prescriptions placed in my hands.
2 different psychiatrists.
3 social workers.
Upwards of nine 'potential' diagnosis' everything from ADHD to bipolar disorder.

And yet NOBODY will say it.
Nobody will help me.

Because he's high functioning,it just appears that it's ME.
AND I AM TIRED OF THAT.......I am SOooo tired.

It's wearing on me.
My days are blending into the same fight everyday to keep it together.
Today was one of those days...I felt weak.I felt sad.
One thing after another......

And then the ice cube fell on the floor.


  1. I *totally* get it and our family is far from perfect too. For us it was the dog eating a cracker.... there's no undoing that. :(

  2. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this! :-/

    "Autism is not an excuse for bad behavior. It's a reason for non-typical behavior."

  3. I am really trying to make sense of that quote ^^^ but I really can't. Isn't bad behavior non-typical?? Is the quote trying to say that children with autism should not have bad behavior? I do not agree with that one bit... but maybe I am taking it the wrong way.

    1. The quote was written by an autistic person... it means that adults often tend to excuse bad behavior in their autistic child by saying "oh well, it's because they're autistic." Instead of trying to fix the behavior that, in any other child, would not be acceptable... Non-typical behavior would be those characteristics that define autism -

    2. I guess that kind of makes sense-if I try not to over-think it!
      I wish I knew how delicately to address this,but since you posted anonymously,I don't know how,lol.
      They DO act a certain way because they are autistic-no matter how inappropriate it is.
      For example,my most recent post details how my younger children try to mimick the way Caleb (who has aspergers) acts.
      I don't want ANY of my children to act out or be inappropriate,but a non-typical child might not stop or be redirected,but a neurotypical child will (at most times) respond to redirection or other cues.
      I don't 'make excuses' and I'm not sure what is really meant by that?
      The last thing I care about in the heat of a meltdown is 'making an excuse',for that wouldn't matter.
      I have a lot of experience in this 'austim' field and trust me,it's not an excuse,it's a reason. ;)

    3. Non-typical behavior IS any behavior that is linked to a symptom of autism.
      Autism is STILL greatly misunderstood and they are still learning more about it.
      Not every child shows the same symptoms and all children react differently.
      Some child with ASD are sensory seekers and others avoid it.
      Some are VERY sensitive-especially to routine changes and many become overstimulated-which btw leads to meltdowns aka 'bad' behavior.
      The 'symptoms' of autism-especially on the site you listed,which BARELY scratch the surface-are so wide and on a huge spectrum.
      Of course screaming at people is unnacceptable in a 'typical child',but it's very likely that an child with autism will have a meltdown and do just that.
      It takes a lot of work and patience JUST to wrap your head around the fact that this child is not 'typical' and 'normal' techniques just won't cut it.
      Getting to the root of the problem that CAUSED the behavior is easy ( overstimulated maybe) but finding a way to help them cope with that is the challenge.
      The easiest thing is to just not leave the house.No stares,no overstimulation.
      Because society doesn't accept 'bad' behavior.

  4. I took it as meaning kids with autism aren't being 'bad' and that there is an underlying reason for their behavior.