Special needs parent's are warriors.

This is from me-the mother of a beautiful son who has autism...and it's to all the parent's out there who have a child who requires a bit more-or almost everything.

It's also to myself.


Being a parent is the biggest,most incredible thing you will ever do.
It's also one of the most challenging things you'll ever do.

And,if you're like me and are the parent of a special needs child,you understand that sometimes it's down right H.A.R.D.

From the looks in the store,the unsolicited opinions from well meaning family members-or the complete lack of acknowledgement that you are even struggling.

From the interrupted sleep,the isolation due to leaving the house sometimes seeming like a living hell-even staying home can seem like a living hell at times.

It's hard not to wish you had a typical life.

A typical child whom you can relate to and spend time with like a typical family.
A typical ability to leave the house to go typical places.

Typical.
Typical.......the more I look at that word,the sillier it looks.

While I think typical is simpler,I also think it lacks a lot.

I have heard people say "I'm glad it's you and not me" OR "I don't think I could handle a special needs child"

They think it's too hard.......and they are so right-it IS HARD.

It's so hard it sometimes sucks the breath right out of you.

You're so tired you can't even cry.
You want to defend your love for your child,but at the same time you want to scream how alone you feel.

But the saying "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is dead on.
It might nearly kill you-or so it can feel-and being a typical family is all you will long for...because frankly,it IS simpler.

But you know what?

Simpler doesn't mean stronger in ANYTHING you do.

Bench pressing 40lbs will always be simpler than benching 100lbs.....but the more weight you add the stronger you will be.

Simpler also doesn't create the character growth that a special needs parent experiences.
Parent's of special kids have more compassion and show a greater amount of sympathy towards others than anyone I know.

They are more grateful for outside help....trust me,when you feel like you're bench pressing 489lbs,it's great to have a spotter-and I mean GREAT.
A night of quiet thanks to someone watching your child(ren) is like 400 of those pounds being taken off mid-press-you can breathe again!

Special needs parents are warriors-
In translation 'Warrior' can mean "a person who shows courage".


It takes courage.


So what I want to leave you with is that YOU my friend have COURAGE.
You are not just a special needs parent.
Not to sound cliche,but you ARE special....it's takes an awesome person to be who you are.

No matter how misunderstood or alone you feel......there are others out here-like myself- who GET IT.

And I think you are awesome because you ARE.

And then the ice cube fell on the floor....

It's been a rough day.
I've had a battle going on in my brain since 6am.

Why should I pretend to be happy all the time....I just can't force myself to tell everyone that I am 'blessed' to have a child with autism....blessed to have my child,yes!
But lately,I feel like the walls are closing in again.

Some parents of children with autism might be able to blog about how autism brought them together,or how the new therapies are working well.
Maybe they're in denial that autism affects their family......

I feel like I'm alone.
I feel like day in and day out this is my life.....I want to cry.I want to scream.
I want to get rid of the knot in my stomach.

I am tired of the traumatic moments in my day.
I shudder thinking about him screaming at me.......
I see him influencing his younger brothers behavior.
What can I do to make it STOP.

I wouldn't be human if I said our life is perfect with autism.
I have searched for help for nearly 6 years!
I have had more than 13 different prescriptions placed in my hands.
2 different psychiatrists.
3 social workers.
Upwards of nine 'potential' diagnosis' everything from ADHD to bipolar disorder.

And yet NOBODY will say it.
Nobody will help me.

Because he's high functioning,it just appears that it's ME.
AND I AM TIRED OF THAT.......I am SOooo tired.

It's wearing on me.
My days are blending into the same fight everyday to keep it together.
Today was one of those days...I felt weak.I felt sad.
One thing after another......

And then the ice cube fell on the floor.

He can't Help It

The best words I've heard from one of the people I respect the most in my life- "He can't help it"

If there is one thing on this planet that makes my stomach turn upside down,it's having my son becoming overstimulated in public.
There.I said it.
And maybe I sorta feel like the worlds most useless mother because I feel that way....Or maybe it's because I am embarrassed over his behavior.
There's also a pretty good chance I have such a low confidence level as his mother-I can't even make my own child mind!

When he acts out inappropriately and I try to intervene-whether physically or verbally-he becomes a little (or a lot) of a distraction for other people.....
When this happens,I get a knot in my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe....It's horrible.

Our family-my parent's,my brother's family and my friend who was gracious enough to join us and the boys and I (hubs had to work)-went to Christmas at the Zoo.
Needless to say,there was lots of stimulating things-music,people,smells,lights and of course the fact that we aren't suppose to be at the Zoo at night!

We had a few moments-moments where I started once again to doubt myself as a parent-and I did my best.
That's all I can do anymore.
I was screamed at:
"I hate you!"
"I don't want to go to your home!"
"Leave me alone!"
"I don't want to hold your hand!"
"No! I'm not going to!!!"

It's just hard.
I feel like nobody understands and I hurt so badly knowing that there are probably plenty of people thinking:
 "Some people just shouldn't have kids...."
"If that kid were mine...."
"What a little brat!"
"She has too many kids and she can't control that one"

And on,and on,and on.

But then I called my dad tonight after I got my children into bed.
I brought up how Caleb had acted and that it was hard for me to handle him.....
My dad said "He did okay for most of it....until the end and by then he was just a bit too worked up and excited"
"Yes,but it's hard because even though YOU understand,other people don't...." I said.
"I know....But He Can't Help It"


Thanks dad.

And you know what?
Neither.Can.I.

And I really need to break through all the self doubt and see that it's not my fault and I am doing the best I can.
I love my son-just like I love all of my other children
It's not easy being his mother-but it's very character building!

So next time we experience a tough time,I'm just going to remind myself:

WE CAN'T HELP IT.