You just had a baby...why aren't you happy?

A new baby brings a lot of joy.
And sometimes a lot of changes that don't necessarily feel joyful.

Why is this?

It's estimated that around 80% of new moms experience the "baby blues"-short lived,temporary episodes of crying and feeling a bit blue.
It's also estimated that approximately 8-12% of new moms have more intense,longer lasting periods of sadness,moodiness,irritability-enough to dramatically effect their daily life and mindset.

I experienced baby blues with my first three babies for about a week postpartum I had post-birth moments of crying for no real reason.....just overwhelming happiness,confusion and hormonal changes.
If you've explored my blog much,you also know that I experienced a surprise with my fourth baby:

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION.
(you can read my other posts about PPD HERE)

At times it's too overwhelming.

Why do women experience PPD:


BIRTH EXPERIENCE

One might believe that only birth trauma-a cesarean section,forced interventions or a loss-would trigger depression,and those things definitely can play a role in how women feel psychologically and emotionally.
From my experience,a GREAT birth experience can effect emotions as well.
It can be so hard to process our births-good and bad-when we are faced with a culture who says "birth experience doesn't matter".
I disagree.
I believe that they way we give birth needs to be talked about-it only benefits us and others to work through it,to share and feel less alone in what we perceive our births to be.

The physiologic process of birth is often very disturbed:

Interventions and medications which interfere with Oxytocin production;a slew of events during third stage (after baby is born,during the time of waiting for the placenta to expel,and anytime in the first few hours after birth) which directly effect the re-connection of mother and baby.
In a truly physiologic birth,mama and baby are able to experience the natural effects of the birth hormones,leading to a happier and healthier connection.

EXPECTATIONS

The laundry can wait.The dishes can wait.Food can wait.
But can it?
New moms are thrown back into the fire with not so much as a blink.
Being a new mom is a lot of work,but we have this thing called "expectations" that can make it overwhelming.

I think that as a new mom,I feel this pressure to "perform" (if you will) and show that I can master it all.
I can balance a baby,a checkbook and a telephone.I can clean the floor,cook the meals and still keep my husband happy.
The laundry is always washed and folded,the surfaces in the home always dust free.

What I can't do is all of the above with a baby (and several other children!) and still take care of myself-emotionally and physically.

It takes time after the addition of another baby...babies are a huge master of time-well worth it-but working around the biological needs of a newborn isn't something most people can do overnight.


CULTURAL LINKS

In our world today,many women don't have the support system post-birth that they need or deserve.
Healing from birth is a chore on it's own,let alone taking care of a helpless infant 24/7-not to mention if there are other children in the home.
In many cultures,there are mothers,sister aunts and cousins who-if not living IN the home-come by,taking turns to help the new mother with her household duties while she heals and bonds with her new baby.
Most of this ties into the previously mentioned causes-birth experience isn't important to most people in American culture,and the expectations are deeply effected due to lack of support.

It's essential to recognize that families weren't designed to do it all alone.

"It takes a village"



OTHERS VIEWS

There are sometimes friends and family who-often unintentionally-put pressure on a new mom.
Comments of what she "should" be doing or pointing out her failures (not getting the laundry done or stressing how she needs to "snap out of it") only heightens her feelings of incompetency and depression.
It's important to see that most people who say these things aren't aware of the impact of their words or the seriousness of her struggles.


RELATIONSHIPS

Stress from a marital conflict or family/friendship altercations can just add to what a new mom is already experiencing.
What a new mom needs is people to love and support her,gather around and say:
"You are on a new journey.It can be overwhelming,confusing,joyful and scary.What can we do to help you find your way?"
A new mom doesn't need to fight with her husband or feel threatened and alone.
There is a high number of women in America who experience domestic abuse-sometimes physical,but often it's emotional/psychological abuse.

This should be considered a huge factor in why so many women develop PPD.


MINDSET

All of the above can lead to altering the mindset of new moms.
My experience is that being unable to "do it all" and feeling so alone and unable to express my feelings about my birth,led to a lot of negative self talk.
I put so much pressure on myself and when unable to perform,I mentally called myself out.

"What's wrong with you?Other mom's do it!"
"If you can't handle this,you shouldn't have any more babies!"
"You stay at home,this is your job!"
 

The list goes on and on.
Negative self talk is so effective at making yourself feel like crap-which is why it does so much damage.



An overall view of why these things effect new moms so easily:

Childbirth opens up a window of vulnerability.
The hormones released during and post-birth enable a woman to embrace motherhood with a vengeance,protecting and loving her new baby with everything she is.
We know that loving someone and bonding with them takes vulnerability-and a new baby is no exception.
The postpartum period causes a woman to have no choice but to be more sensitive to life.
Sadly-and so unfortunately-events and outside expectations wreck havoc on a woman at this vulnerable time.
It's cultural abuse.

I am calling it what it is.

Women alone are not to blame for postpartum depression.
I am tired of hearing that it's merely emotionally,psychologically or hormonally driven to feel depressed after childbirth.

It's a cause and effect:

• Woman has a baby.
• Woman becomes vulnerable.
• Woman doesn't receive support.
• Babies are a lot of work and bring changes.
• Woman doesn't meet her own expectations or those of others.
• Woman experiences negative self talk.
• Woman gets depressed.

PPD effects more women than we think because many (like I did for a long time) keep quiet,plaster on a smile for charms sake and struggle silently.
For the women reading this who relate:

It's not you.  

Or at least it's not ALL you.
It's the world deserting new moms nearly before they birth their placenta.


But we aren't going to be victims.

We don't have to be.

There are various ways to fight it:

Know about it beforehand-
Understand that you will be vulnerable and talk to your family about it.
Tell them that you will need their support to help you find your feet once your new baby arrives.
Ask your husband to stay connected with your needs and let him know that you might not do all the things you normally do in the time manner he is used to....he'll survive,but it will help you both to understand you need time to get a routine going again.

Check into having your placenta encapsulated-
I wish I would have done this with my fourth baby.It has really helped since having baby #5.

Get support-
Find online groups of like-minded women where you can go to share what you feel.
I am a part of an unassisted group of women and we are actually very close.
Maybe join a breastfeeding group or stay at home moms group.

Don't forget your in-real-life relationships-
If you can open up to your mother or a close friend,do it as soon as you start to feel not-yourself,anxious or depressed.
I made the mistake of holding it all in and it slowly ate away at my self esteem.

Seek out groups of women who have experienced PPD-
There are forums,groups on Facebook and bloggers like myself.
It helps just to know you aren't alone,but you can also try some of their tricks to feeling better.

There are natural treatment options-
I used Hylands Calm,Fish Oil and Magnesium for a while.
Do your research-these things can help many women.

Meditation and prayer-
Praying and taking time to quiet my mind really helped me.

Take time for you-
Motherhood can make it easy to forget about yourself-you lose yourself in doing for others (which can be rewarding,but don't lose your individuality!)
Make time to do your nails,curl your hair,go to a movie with a friend....or all of the above if you really want to go all out!
Sometimes it's the little things-like reading a good book or watching a favorite show.

Try counseling-
I went to a therapist for a while.
I cried and cried,and I dumped all of my thoughts out to an unbiased person.
This can really help when you don't feel anyone else understands and you need professional guidance.

This can also open up the access to Medication-
I opted not to go the medication route,but if you feel you need to explore your options,it's there.


"Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."



Stop the negative self talk.

We can control what we think-so perceive yourself as trying.
As Amazing.As a loving mother.As imperfectly perfect.

Marlena and I-8 hours post birth

I am doing my best. 

Doing my best to be a loving mother. 

Doing my best to be a loving wife. 

Doing my best to love myself.

The aftermath of postpartum depression

I have been thinking about writing this for a while now.

The word "aftermath" suggests that there is an end to postpartum depression.

I want to be very clear on something..for me postpartum depression hasn't just "gone away".
What I mean is that although I have found some relief from the intensity of the symptoms,I don't believe that I will ever fully be "over" the impact it has had on my life.

I struggled with PPD for almost two years of my life;nine months of that was actually perinatal depression (while I was pregnant).

For two years my life was disrupted;turned upside down in a way that you don't just "recover" from overnight.

I can't speak for all women either;there's a good chance that every woman experiences things vastly different than I have.
I believe that PPD runs it's course uniquely with each individual woman;some possibly never get "over" it and some have highs and lows that linger for years.

I don't know for sure what caused my PPD...I imagine that it was a cocktail of things:
The hormones from pregnancy and birth;from breastfeeding and the return of my menstrual cycle postpartum.
It may have been related to my unrealistic expectations of myself;the perfectionist that I pressured myself to be.
It wouldn't be far fetched to suggest that environmental stressors-relationships,parenting,poor diet-all had something to do with it.

The thing I can be sure of though,is that it wasn't my fault.

All of those racing thoughts in my head;the negative self talk.....those things were not "realistic" and they weren't fair.

I feel that our culture puts so much pressure on new moms and unlike other countries around the world,the U.S and other developed cultures has the highest and most severe rates of PPD in the world.
We don't support each other;we don't look out for new moms and young families.

Responsibility for the family tends to fall exactly there: on the family.

It's not ideal to have no support and to have all the added pressure of jumping right back up and continuing to manage life as if you didn't just give birth.

We abuse the postpartum period-the Babymoon-by suggesting that it's a weakness to lay around with our new baby;it makes us a failure to ask for help with our other children;we're lazy if all of the household chores aren't done in those early weeks.

When I sought out help for my PPD,it took me months to find someone who would even work with me financially.
This type of battle just to get support made my struggle with PPD worse...I felt so alone-even more so than I did before I decided to seek help.

My mind is a bit clearer now and I have found the courage to stop the negative self talk.
I've gotten my perfectionism under better control and I'm able to forgive myself for not being "perfect".

The journey I have had with PPD will forever affect the way I think;it has made me more aware of what mental illnesses can be like and the frustrations of not getting help when you need it most.

There is no guarantee that postpartum depression won't rear it's ugly head again....and that bothers me.


I have found some powerful tools that have helped me overcome the worst of it in the past-the most powerful tool of all is seeking love and strength through the Lord.
I learned to stop often,not just during times of anxiety or sadness;I would stop and say a little prayer asking for guidance and support.


I wish that I could reach out to all of the women who battle PPD and hold them,pray with them.

PPD isn't fake,it doesn't mean that you are weak.....it means that you are trying to be too strong and you need more time and support.

I don't understand the lack of support;why is there no help available for women with a very real,very serious need.
In a country with all the medical technology who spends more money on "health" than any other country in the world,how do we NOT have help ready for these women?

The reality is that these women normally struggle alone.

I implore all of you reading this:
If you know a new mom or a mom who seems to be struggling with a full plate,reach out.
Pay attention to how she's feeling,ask her what she needs.

Most women who have PPD don't ask for help;they often don't even know what is "wrong" with them.

As human beings we owe it to our mama's,babies and families to pay attention and help one another.

It's the worst place in the world to be when it feels like no one is there.

Focusing on right here,right now.

Last week I missed my therapy appointment,and in the days leading up to my most recent session,I did a lot of soul searching.
I stepped away from many of the every-day things I usually do;a fresh mind set became important to me.

Normally I spend every evening in front of the computer-so instead,I cut that time down and found other ways to amuse myself.

This weeks session was mostly about the character in me....

I started out by expressing my 'cautious' relief in feeling so much better emotionally,and then described my frustration over my physical challenges.

"I was always able to lose the weight before,but this time it's different and it bothers me"

I confided how I'm not happy with my current physical appearance and how a few years ago I would have jumped right in and changed it.

"But there is so much more to you than your physical appearance;your weight doesn't define the good you will do-your character does"

I nodded "I feel like in so many ways I've improved-and there's always room for growth"

We talked about things I can do that might help me both physically and emotionally-but she agreed that being too hard on myself about losing weight will only make things worse.

"You still put yourself through a lot of bad self talk and your hormones are still a bit wacky"

"I feel like I just constantly put myself through the wringer and my self esteem is in crumbles"

I went on to describe how sensitive I am about a lot of things and I'm not able to handle criticism well.

"When women are hormonal-and especially experiencing postpartum depression-it's normal to be a bit  'prickly' towards things that others say...."

She started talking about the women in the bible and how strong they were-yet graceful and the humility they portrayed.

"Have you ever heard of Francine Rivers-she was a romance novelist turned christian author"

I replied that no,I'd never heard of her.

She dug through her books and handed me a thick book "A Lineage of Grace"

That should help keep me busy and off the internet more!

I have been feeling a lot better-I'm taking Hylands CALM,Omega-3's,prenatal vitamin and Melatonin to sleep.
I also just started going to our local YMCA gym to workout with a new friend....I keep telling myself "No pressure....just take it slow and take care of yourself"

I am anxious to lose weight-especially since emotionally I've been feeling so much better-and I admit that I desperately want to have another baby.
But it can't be a race.....there's no deadline and no alarm will sound if I don't get pregnant in the next six months!

God knows what is best for our family....and maybe right now he's in agreement that I need some time to focus on the blessings and trials right here,right now.
Considering we use natural family planning for our contraception method,I'm well aware that God has his hand in all things!

The best is yet to come-and taking care of ME will equal taking even better care of my family.

On a side note,I stumbled onto this article and I thought I would share it since I have been dealing with a lot of feelings of not being 'good enough'
8 ways to be a good mother instead of a perfect one

"There is another thing that raises serotonin levels"

I have spent the last week researching antidepressants-well,as much as one can cram into their head in a weeks time.

Currently I am taking Omega-3's,a prenatal vitamin and occasionally some Melatonin.
Many people have suggested some other natural options-some I've tried and others I'd never heard of before.

I have been so worked up about whether or not to go the 'drug' route-and once I started researching some of the more popular medications,I became aware that these drugs can be dangerous!


But seizures,severe allergic reactions,hallucinations,migraines,insomnia,decreased libido,dizziness,nausea,weight gain-the list goes on and on!
And they can make things worse too-suicidal thoughts,panic attacks.

Maybe some people need them....and I'm not saying I'm 100% against them.


Shoot,with the way I have been feeling for nearly two years,I would love to have a magic pill that would just make me 'normal' again.



However,considering that the past week hasn't been so bad,I'm not in a big hurry to open myself up to a pill bottle.
Not quite yet.



I went to a health food store and looked over some of the supplements I'd written down.


Wow,some of them are pretty expensive.....I bought a package of Hylands Calm.

Then,after a large ice cream from across the street (shhh,I made it part of my treatment plan....) I headed for my therapy session.

"How have you been?" she asked.

"You know,this week hasn't been so bad-at least not outwardly....I still feel like inwardly I am struggling"

She asked me to be specific on what I meant.

"The kids weren't fighting quite as much.....hubby and I didn't fight everyday" I explained.

I continued "I am just so tired and I'm completely unmotivated".

"It sounds to me like you are chronically sleep deprived"

I nodded "But even when I take melatonin,I have a hard time shutting my mind off at night"

She explained that my serotonin levels are probably so low,that it's difficult to get good sleep and causes anxiety as well.


"You know,there is one thing that raises serotonin levels...."


Now,let me make sure I am absolutely clear about something :
If it weren't for the sake of raising awareness about postpartum depression,I wouldn't even be talking about this......so if you are concerned of altering who you consider me to be,than read no further.

Decided to risk it by sticking around eh?
I always knew you liked to live dangerously........



I was curious.....What could this 'thing' be?


Was it something I had read about;how much would it cost?
I didn't want to get my hopes up because it might be something currently unattainable.

"Orgasm"

I blinked.

She continued "Orgasms make the serotonin levels 'jump' and it can really impact how you feel"

I stared-a blank look on my face "OK......?"

"I'm serious" she said

So,there you have it.


Low libido is caused by the very thing that 'doing it' can help improve :Low Serotonin.


Who would have thought.......

So,my treatment plan for this week is :
Omega-3's
Hylands CALM or Melatonin
Prenatal vitamin
Sunshine
Water-and lots of it.
Sleep
Light exercise
All the relaxation exercises from two weeks ago.
Not being hard on myself.

AND..........

And the rest is better left unsaid because I have done ENOUGH blushing today.

"If we don't see some improvement by next week..."

"How was your week"

I actually prepared myself for what would come next by inching my hand closer to the box of Kleenex.

"Rough...I'm just exhausted"
"I can tell"  she replied.

"I'm just getting impatient with myself....I just want to feel like myself again"

Cue the tears.

"And here I go again balling my eyes out...."

"It's normal-and very healing to cry" she said sympathetically.
"Well,it's also very annoying!" I laughed.

Then I continued by sharing some of the feelings I'd had in the past week.
"I just want another baby so bad...I want all of this to just get out of the way" I did a sweeping gesture with my hands.
"This isn't me" I continued "I used to be so strong and steady-like I could handle anything-and had all the patience in the world"

"You need to be patient with yourself-it can take time-and adding to it right now might not be the best idea"
She is right....but if I can just make it all go away and feel like myself again,then I can enjoy my life.

"It's like with my oldest son who is autistic,I used to at least want to go places even though it could be challenging due to his behaviors-and ever since Jacobi was born,I don't even want to go anywhere"

Tears are now streaming down my cheeks and I reach for a fresh tissue.

"I don't get it,I've always wanted a big family-even when it's been rough having many little ones in the past,I always managed it so well"

I continue to share my frustrations over not being in an ideal emotional or physical state.

"I need to lose this extra weight and feel good" I declared.

"You need to try and remember that things aren't set up right in your mind and in your hormones-you have low serotonin levels and high levels of cortisol-and until you start getting some good rest,neither of those will level out."

"I still can't make my mind shut off at night.....and then I don't want to get out of bed" I replied.

"It's part of having such high anxiety....you have all these things going on in your mind-that's understandable"

"I feel like I'm just doing the same things day after day....prying myself out of bed,changing diapers,doing laundry-I never get time with my husband-and I don't even want to answer the phone when people call!"

By now I've gone through two tissues.

"I hate to sound like a bad mom,but I'm so glad school is starting in 3 weeks...I'm hoping it will be easier with Caleb not there tormenting and instigating things with his brothers"

There's no stopping me-I have so many feelings of guilt and incompetence.....

"I try so hard NOT to yell that I keep it all in and end up creating an anxiety attack for myself"

I explain how I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a gentle parent and to follow attachment parenting.

"Attachment parenting doesn't mean you are perfect-it means that you nurture and gently guide your children to a healthy state of independence" she pointed out.

"You want a healthy balance of dependence and independence" she added.

It makes me wonder where I fall on that.....

"I just want to have energy and feel in control of my life again" I pouted.

"You know,you meet all the criteria of someone who is depressed...and I was going to give it another few weeks-but I feel strongly that if we don't see some improvement by next week that we should start you on an SSRI"

I sighed.

She continued:

"I know you said that medication was a last resort,but I just hate to see you struggling so much"

We talked about some of the medications and the side affects....and I mentioned how I had been doing the relaxation exercises,but while they worked in the moment,I still felt an overall sense of anxiety.
I expressed the concern over what medications might do-from making things worse to making me gain weight.

"They have done amazing work in most recent years-most of the ones I might try with you don't have the side effects we used to see,like lowered libido for instance" she explained.

Yeah,that's the last thing I need.....hah!

I have six more days before I need to give an answer.

"Be prepared to be weepy for a while"

I was looking forward to my therapy session....I want to deal with whatever is causing postpartum depression so that I can move on with my life!

So on the fluffy brown couch I sit-it's overstuffed and my feet can't touch the floor- "Are you comfortable?" my therapist asks-without waiting for an answer she adds "You're so petite!".
Uh-what?

I giggle and think to myself "petite,yeah....what part of me-not around obvisously-she must mean five-foot,five inches is short"

We start talking about my week-and I go into details about how up until the previous day I had been feeling much better.

"My husband and I had a fight.....about spaghetti"

I sense her extreme curiosity and elaborate "I didn't want it to go to waste and he didn't want to eat it,so he said it was stupid to make so much because nobody eats it"
By this time I was balling (because that's what I do nowadays)

She asked what happened next.
"I went to my room and spent the next 4 hours crying because my husband doesn't know how to comfort me!!"

It's true.



But to be a little fair,I'm not the same 'girl' I was two years ago.
I used to be tough and capable of sticking up for myself.
Now my lip trembles and tears fill my eyes at the mere mention of my doing something less than perfectly.

We talked about how men sometimes get 'weird' when their woman is weepy-and how he might be dealing with his own emotions-and many men lash out or say insensitive things when they are stressed or depressed.

"It's not just about the spaghetti!" she said laughing.
We talked about trying to use "I feel" while talking instead of "You do this/You don't do that".

I told her "I didn't even want to eat the spaghetti because I'm watching my carbs-but I didn't want to throw it out!"

"WHOA,I don't want you cutting carbs right now"

HUH? Are you kidding me right now?

"When people are depressed,carbs are what helps them get by-so no cutting them just yet" she ordered.

"I just really want to lose some of this weight...I'm tired of it" I pleaded.

"You need to give yourself more time-you have a lot to deal with" she gently responded.

Great....

As if that wasn't enough she added "And I like to warn people that it can get worse before it gets better-be prepared to be weepy for a while longer"

Oh,that's just terrific!
I just love having the tears falling for no apparent reason and not being able to control them.
OK,so all the boo-hooing out of the way.....

She went over some relaxation exercises to help block/reduce cortisol (stress hormone) production.

The first one was a breathing exercise much like what I instinctively use during childbirth.
Closing your eyes can be helpful.
You take a deep breath for the count of five seconds breathing in 1-2-3-4-5.
Then you breathe out for five seconds and imagine your belly button being pulled into your back.
The point is to help rid of all the air-and out 1-2-3-4-5.
You do this for a couple of minutes.

The next one she showed me was flex and relax.
You start with your feet,then your calves,then your thighs,buttocks,abs,chest,hands,arms,back and neck.
You flex/tighten the muscle for five seconds and then relax them slowly,concentrating on the hold and release.

She explained that in the special-ops they use this training for reducing stress while in combat for weeks at a time.

"Try to have an evening routine"


Her suggestions
Take a nice bubble bath-you can even do your relaxation exercises in the tub.
Use lavender candles,lavender bath salts-they can be calming.
I actually do have a lavender scented candle on a candle warmer in my bedroom.


I'm not much of a bubble bath person.....only when I'm pregnant-which I'm not.
But I suppose I could at least 'try' to take a bath sometime.


I'm actually excited to go for my session on Tuesday....even if I do ball my eyes out.

"Diagnosis Depression"

It's been almost two years since the sobbing,irritability and a host of other symptoms consumed me.

For the past few weeks I've been frantically seeking therapy-and for the first five phone calls I was told that because I have insurance I couldn't qualify for a reduced fee and since my insurance wouldn't pay a single cent towards counseling until our deductible is met,I had to slam the phone down out of frustration each time.

Every time I would hear "I'm sorry,we aren't able to help you" I would feel instant sadness....How could I keep putting myself out there,asking for help and being turned away?

I finally received a phone call back from a christian counseling clinic.
"We can help you"

YES!!

I had to wait a week for an appointment that would fit into my schedule.....and that week was LONG.

Today was the day.

I met my therapist.
As soon as she asked me to share my 'story',I just burst into tears!
"I'm sorry,I thought I might do this" I said.
"You aren't the first one,it happens a lot" she replied.

I started my story by explaining how my life turned upside down soon after I became pregnant for Jacobi in October 2010.
I told her how I'd been sick and how I wanted to sleep all day,yet no matter how tired I was,getting to sleep at night was impossible for me.

I went on to share how after I had Jacobi,I was unable to shed the baby weight and how completely exhausted I was.
I explained that I cried a lot and how I just wanted to lay in bed all day.
I described-with tears streaming down my face-how difficult just providing for my other children had become,how making the boys dinner took everything out of me.
It was at this point that she looked me in the eyes and with a sympathetic face asked "Do you know now what all of this was?"
I nodded.

"Postpartum Depression"

She didn't have to tell me....

I went on to share how my whole life is affected by these feelings.
How I still don't want to get out of bed,how anxious I feel and how I often just want to run away.

When I told her how I have reoccurring dreams about leaving my children at home alone while I go somewhere,only to remember and rush home to them,she informed me that I am probably very hard on myself.

"You want to be a good mom,but when you don't do something as 'good' as you think you should,this is your brain continuing to beat you up,even in your sleep!"

We talked about some homeopathic things I can try.

Omega-3's and avoiding caffeine are on my list.
Recognizing when I'm feeling a certain way and writing it down in a journal so we can discuss ways to manage those feelings.
She is glad that I'm a breakfast eater and wants me to continue with the type of diet/nutrition I am currently eating.

After over an hour of balling my eyes out,I realized that I had touched on so many subjects and I still have more to talk about!

My therapist said a prayer to close my session,and I just couldn't stop crying!
"I must have needed this for a while!" I said.
"It can be good for you to get things out" she replied.

She handed me a book "Women's Mood's-what every woman must know about hormones,the brain and emotional health" by Deborah Sichel M.D. and Jeanne Watson Driscoll,M.S.,C.S.

I look forward to having quiet time so I can read it.

She also noted that I shouldn't yet rule out medication because sometimes it is really needed and can be very helpful.
"I don't want to leave you hanging out there for too long" she said.

Thank God.

I'm tired of hanging.
That's how I feel most of the time...I'm just *here*.

I'm only getting through the day-not living it.

Hopefully a few months of ball-my-eyes-out sessions will help me get back where I want to be......

The Highs and Lows........PPD

I don't know how many people will really get this.....probably the women who have been where I am.
Maybe this will help some folks understand the reality of Postpartum Depression-the reality I've been living for over a year now.

I always thought that PPD was a severe mental disease that made women want to kill their babies.

After having three children I never experienced more than a couple of days worth of the 'baby blues' which consisted mostly of post birth 'let down'-of no longer feeling the anticipation of meeting my baby....and of course a few tears.

I didn't feel like I needed to worry about ever having PPD-it just couldn't be in the cards for me....right?

WRONG.


When I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant for my fourth baby,I was in the midst of planning our wedding (yes,we do things a bit backwards around here.....) and had just become a full time stay at home mom.
I wasn't upset that I would be a mother again;I feel that children are the biggest blessing in life and I felt honored that God chose to have me experience this again.

I ended up with a really bad ear infection-which gave me a fever of 102.2 for over a week.
I also had morning sickness ALL day and my energy levels were non-existent.
For almost 2 months it felt as though I had been run over by a train.

I noticed that I was really emotional and I cried a lot.

I was sick once more around 24 weeks and this time it was a cough/fever combination.
Our marriage was struggling....with my lack of energy and illness,I could barely keep it together to get out of bed when my husband had to leave for work at 3pm.

I also had soreness related to my pregnancy-my pelvis felt like it would split and my hips hurt so bad I could barely turn over in bed.
At 39 weeks I had gained 50 lbs-but I didn't really worry since in the past I always lost the baby weight within 3-4 months,so this wouldn't be a big deal......

I put SO much thought into how peaceful and natural my homebirth would be-and it was.

It was perfect.

The transition to life after the birth of a new baby always takes a few weeks.....so when the overwhelming emotions kicked in,I wasn't too concerned-"Just give it more time" I would tell myself.

On Facebook my mama friends would post how they took their children to a park or a store and it seemed so 'free' and easy for them......I on the other hand could barely feed my children supper without feeling suffocated and anxious.
I really just thought I was a bad mom....maybe I just wasn't cut out to have more than a couple of kids-or any at all.

Each day was a battle....and it continued.
After a couple of months,I noticed that the 18 lbs I had lost after Jacobi's birth,had crept back on.
I realized that everytime I felt stressed or overwhelmed,I was darting into the kitchen and eating something.
I felt unattractive......And I was sore-my pelvis was still very tender from pregnancy.

I also wasn't sleeping well.....even when Jacobi would go to sleep at night,when I SHOULD be sleeping I couldn't.
I would stay up late and watch TV or be on the internet....relaxation was far from possible.
Most nights I would sleep less than 4 hours total....and it was broken up.
A few times I just couldn't take it and I would impulsively get in the van barefooted in the middle of the night once my husband was home and just drive for a while.

Being a patient person-mostly by nature-I barely recognized myself at times.

I would ask my oldest child to do something and if he had a difficult time following directions (which we usually struggle with) I would feel breathless and irritated.
And then the guilt would kick in....I would end every day thinking "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be the mom that I want to be so badly????"
The phone would ring and I just didn't want to answer it......but at the same time I felt desperately alone.

It took everything in me just to take a shower....let alone even imagine entertaining anyone!

My husband didn't understand how to help me and he would get frustrated.....I would cry over everything-sometimes it was because of his just not being there for me like I needed.
I would blame myself....I tried so hard to keep the house tidy and have dinner made for him.
I wanted to enjoy the baby,be a good,involved mom to my other children....but much of the time I would sit and cry while my older children watched episode after episode of Dora the Explorer.

I never really had serious 'suicidal' thoughts-thankfully.....but I did want to run away.
There was never once I wanted to hurt my baby-or any of my children.
A lot of times I would be so upset that I would frantically tell my husband to "Take the baby!!" because I felt so much tension in my body that I felt like throwing something and I didn't feel I should be holding the baby.

When Jacobi was about 6 months old,I was researching a breastfeeding issue we were having......I stumbled on a page in my Ina May Gaskin's guide to breastfeeding :

Risk factors that are associated with postpartum depression-and I had 10 out of 16.

REALLY?
THIS is my problem?

I looked at the symptoms:
Sad or anxious feelings
Insomnia
Headaches
Mood swings
Poor appetite (which I later read that weight loss OR gain are symptoms)
Panic attacks

And I had almost all of them.

Not being a big fan of doctors or medication,I decided to try to 'cure' my own PPD.

I started out with just vitamins and exercise,followed by attempting a healthier diet and some 'self care' which consisted of taking a little time for me every day.

Things seemed to get a little better for the next couple of months....I would have bad days here and there,but I thought I was handling it much better.

A couple of months after we moved into our new house (Jacobi was 9 months old) I had to pull my oldest son-and our only school aged child-out of public school due to it not being a good fit for his special needs.

I started homeschooling him.
At first,it went really well....but after a week he started regressing and having meltdowns.
I realized that trying to homeschool a child with autism was putting me in over my head.
And I started feeling guilty and incompetent once more.
Here I was,unable to teach my child-and still not being the mom I 'wanted' to be...all the while seeing how my 'facebook mama friends' were homeschooling their children and/or doing all sorts of activities.

I couldn't do it.

I wanted to bake bread,play with the kids and teach them how to make their beds.
I wanted to make cookies with the boys,sing fun songs and take them to the park.

And I just couldn't do it.
I felt the anxiety creeping in....it was dreadfully overwhelming.

I told my husband one day "I feel it happening all over again....I feel smothered and hopeless"

Sure enough,within a week or so,I hit that deep,dark place.
I would just sit and cry....I would stare off into space and wish the world would stop spinning.


I am still struggling....

Nothing I have done has helped very much-although I do notice the highs are usually closer together and last longer than the lows.

I feel like I don't really know who to turn to...I can't afford counseling-and we're not considered low income,so I can't recieve 'sliding scale' fees.
I'm scared of medication and what it might do to me.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I can't stick to a healthy diet and exercise plan.
I 'eat my emotions'.

I eat to fill the void in my life where I feel out of control and alone.

I really want another baby......and my husband does too.
But I am concerned about my mood swings and how pregnancy would effect that.
I am also bothered by getting pregnant when I need to lose at least 45 lbs to be at a decent weight (and even that isn't close to my 'ideal' body weight).

When Jacobi suddenly stopped nursing at 11 1/2 months old,I thought "Oh no....I don't know if I can handle this!"

It's hard,but I'm getting through it.

I want so badly to be in control of my emotions.
I want to feel confident and healthy.

I want postpartum depression to hit the road.

I've got the Blues.......PPD

I don't want to come off like I'm saying I know what severe postpartum depression is like because I probably don't.

What I DO know is that after my youngest,Jacobi was born,I experienced a surge of emotions like I never had before.

I felt like the world was spinning so fast,like I couldn't keep up ;everyday was a blur and I spent as much time in bed as I could.




I didn't feel like I had just had a beautiful new baby boy-I knew he was here and I felt empowered and amazing about our wonderful homebirth-but I didn't find the joy in life with my new little bundle.

What went through my mind was thoughts of incompetence,loneliness and wanting my days to just hurry up and end.

The things I was feeling might possibly have been related to being a new mommy again-I won't say it wasn't.




Hubby and I had difficulties communicating our feelings,so there was always tension.

I didn't feel I was important,and I was feeling under-accomplished on a daily basis.




I felt I needed to assume the 'happy life' of others around me-people who always seemed so cheerful-and just be content and count my blessings.




I felt hopeless everyday-my life had changed in an instant;I went from being in control to feeling completely out of it.

Why couldn't I handle my tasks and why did I feel so tired all the time?

Other moms were always taking all of their children places and spending such quality time with them.

All I felt was insecure and ashamed for feeling like I wanted to be alone,just by myself, in the quiet to figure out what was wrong with me.




I wanted to fix what was happening with me.

Looking at my children and feeling guilty for never doing enough-but not having the energy to do more than the basics.

The things I used to take pride in-keeping the house clean,running around outside with the boys and being chipper-I couldn't seem to grasp the desire to enjoy.

I felt like asking someone for help would complete my circle and make me a failure.




If ever there was a Niagra falls of tears that fell,it was from my eyes;I felt powerless,lost in this strange new place where I was suppose to feel happy,but was at so many times far from it.

I would sob into my pillow,sit solemly while nursing Jacobi,praying that I would just feel some joy in my new life with this new baby.




Every day I faced a battle to just 'get through' it.

I felt so alone in every sense....But yet I felt smothered,needed from every direction.




New babies take a lot out of anyone,but then I also had three other boys who desired my attention,demanded more of me than I felt I could handle on my own.

I thought everyone would feel it was silly to be so concerned about kids doing 'kid' things and that possibly,if I couldn't manage the children I had,that I should consider not having any more babies.




Often I would wonder,"what is the point?" when I am just barely getting through my day,all I do is cry and I'm not being a good mother.




This went on for almost 4 months and I'm still fighting with a rollercoaster of emotions.

I denied that I could have postpartum depression....How could I have it when I never had before?

But now,looking back and having research it a bit,I realize that I did have it.

I still struggle at times with my emotions and with my daily challenges-but I know everything will eventually fall into place.




Some of the symptoms of PPD are:


•Are you feeling sad or depressed?


•Do you feel more irritable or angry with those around you?


•Are you having difficulty bonding with your baby?


•Do you feel anxious or panicky?


•Are you having problems with eating or sleeping?


•Are you having upsetting thoughts that you can’t get out
of your mind?

•Do you feel as if you are “out of control” or “going crazy”?


•Do you feel like you never should have become a mother?


•Are you worried that you might hurt your baby or yourself?


I'm not saying that a few of these aren't normal post delivery side effects.

But the more serious ones and ones that don't go away are a sign that you need to find someone to talk to.

It doesn't make you crazy,it just means that you need a little more support.



I never had any thoughts of hurting myself or my baby or my other children-but please,if you ever feel this way-find someone,ANYONE to take your baby while you calm down and find someone to help you figure this out.


There are tons of resources and help out there from people who know what you are going through:


Postpartum International website

Finding local help

Baby blues connections

Mother-to-Mother support




Sometimes is can be helpful just to talk to another person.

"The only thing that kept me sane was knowing that others had PPD and made it through. I searched desperately for anyone with my symptoms to reassure myself that I, too, would one day have my life back and be happy to be alive. By far the most help came from former sufferers."~Quote from a mom who suffered PPD