Focusing on right here,right now.

Last week I missed my therapy appointment,and in the days leading up to my most recent session,I did a lot of soul searching.
I stepped away from many of the every-day things I usually do;a fresh mind set became important to me.

Normally I spend every evening in front of the computer-so instead,I cut that time down and found other ways to amuse myself.

This weeks session was mostly about the character in me....

I started out by expressing my 'cautious' relief in feeling so much better emotionally,and then described my frustration over my physical challenges.

"I was always able to lose the weight before,but this time it's different and it bothers me"

I confided how I'm not happy with my current physical appearance and how a few years ago I would have jumped right in and changed it.

"But there is so much more to you than your physical appearance;your weight doesn't define the good you will do-your character does"

I nodded "I feel like in so many ways I've improved-and there's always room for growth"

We talked about things I can do that might help me both physically and emotionally-but she agreed that being too hard on myself about losing weight will only make things worse.

"You still put yourself through a lot of bad self talk and your hormones are still a bit wacky"

"I feel like I just constantly put myself through the wringer and my self esteem is in crumbles"

I went on to describe how sensitive I am about a lot of things and I'm not able to handle criticism well.

"When women are hormonal-and especially experiencing postpartum depression-it's normal to be a bit  'prickly' towards things that others say...."

She started talking about the women in the bible and how strong they were-yet graceful and the humility they portrayed.

"Have you ever heard of Francine Rivers-she was a romance novelist turned christian author"

I replied that no,I'd never heard of her.

She dug through her books and handed me a thick book "A Lineage of Grace"

That should help keep me busy and off the internet more!

I have been feeling a lot better-I'm taking Hylands CALM,Omega-3's,prenatal vitamin and Melatonin to sleep.
I also just started going to our local YMCA gym to workout with a new friend....I keep telling myself "No pressure....just take it slow and take care of yourself"

I am anxious to lose weight-especially since emotionally I've been feeling so much better-and I admit that I desperately want to have another baby.
But it can't be a race.....there's no deadline and no alarm will sound if I don't get pregnant in the next six months!

God knows what is best for our family....and maybe right now he's in agreement that I need some time to focus on the blessings and trials right here,right now.
Considering we use natural family planning for our contraception method,I'm well aware that God has his hand in all things!

The best is yet to come-and taking care of ME will equal taking even better care of my family.

On a side note,I stumbled onto this article and I thought I would share it since I have been dealing with a lot of feelings of not being 'good enough'
8 ways to be a good mother instead of a perfect one

"There is another thing that raises serotonin levels"

I have spent the last week researching antidepressants-well,as much as one can cram into their head in a weeks time.

Currently I am taking Omega-3's,a prenatal vitamin and occasionally some Melatonin.
Many people have suggested some other natural options-some I've tried and others I'd never heard of before.

I have been so worked up about whether or not to go the 'drug' route-and once I started researching some of the more popular medications,I became aware that these drugs can be dangerous!


But seizures,severe allergic reactions,hallucinations,migraines,insomnia,decreased libido,dizziness,nausea,weight gain-the list goes on and on!
And they can make things worse too-suicidal thoughts,panic attacks.

Maybe some people need them....and I'm not saying I'm 100% against them.


Shoot,with the way I have been feeling for nearly two years,I would love to have a magic pill that would just make me 'normal' again.



However,considering that the past week hasn't been so bad,I'm not in a big hurry to open myself up to a pill bottle.
Not quite yet.



I went to a health food store and looked over some of the supplements I'd written down.


Wow,some of them are pretty expensive.....I bought a package of Hylands Calm.

Then,after a large ice cream from across the street (shhh,I made it part of my treatment plan....) I headed for my therapy session.

"How have you been?" she asked.

"You know,this week hasn't been so bad-at least not outwardly....I still feel like inwardly I am struggling"

She asked me to be specific on what I meant.

"The kids weren't fighting quite as much.....hubby and I didn't fight everyday" I explained.

I continued "I am just so tired and I'm completely unmotivated".

"It sounds to me like you are chronically sleep deprived"

I nodded "But even when I take melatonin,I have a hard time shutting my mind off at night"

She explained that my serotonin levels are probably so low,that it's difficult to get good sleep and causes anxiety as well.


"You know,there is one thing that raises serotonin levels...."


Now,let me make sure I am absolutely clear about something :
If it weren't for the sake of raising awareness about postpartum depression,I wouldn't even be talking about this......so if you are concerned of altering who you consider me to be,than read no further.

Decided to risk it by sticking around eh?
I always knew you liked to live dangerously........



I was curious.....What could this 'thing' be?


Was it something I had read about;how much would it cost?
I didn't want to get my hopes up because it might be something currently unattainable.

"Orgasm"

I blinked.

She continued "Orgasms make the serotonin levels 'jump' and it can really impact how you feel"

I stared-a blank look on my face "OK......?"

"I'm serious" she said

So,there you have it.


Low libido is caused by the very thing that 'doing it' can help improve :Low Serotonin.


Who would have thought.......

So,my treatment plan for this week is :
Omega-3's
Hylands CALM or Melatonin
Prenatal vitamin
Sunshine
Water-and lots of it.
Sleep
Light exercise
All the relaxation exercises from two weeks ago.
Not being hard on myself.

AND..........

And the rest is better left unsaid because I have done ENOUGH blushing today.

"If we don't see some improvement by next week..."

"How was your week"

I actually prepared myself for what would come next by inching my hand closer to the box of Kleenex.

"Rough...I'm just exhausted"
"I can tell"  she replied.

"I'm just getting impatient with myself....I just want to feel like myself again"

Cue the tears.

"And here I go again balling my eyes out...."

"It's normal-and very healing to cry" she said sympathetically.
"Well,it's also very annoying!" I laughed.

Then I continued by sharing some of the feelings I'd had in the past week.
"I just want another baby so bad...I want all of this to just get out of the way" I did a sweeping gesture with my hands.
"This isn't me" I continued "I used to be so strong and steady-like I could handle anything-and had all the patience in the world"

"You need to be patient with yourself-it can take time-and adding to it right now might not be the best idea"
She is right....but if I can just make it all go away and feel like myself again,then I can enjoy my life.

"It's like with my oldest son who is autistic,I used to at least want to go places even though it could be challenging due to his behaviors-and ever since Jacobi was born,I don't even want to go anywhere"

Tears are now streaming down my cheeks and I reach for a fresh tissue.

"I don't get it,I've always wanted a big family-even when it's been rough having many little ones in the past,I always managed it so well"

I continue to share my frustrations over not being in an ideal emotional or physical state.

"I need to lose this extra weight and feel good" I declared.

"You need to try and remember that things aren't set up right in your mind and in your hormones-you have low serotonin levels and high levels of cortisol-and until you start getting some good rest,neither of those will level out."

"I still can't make my mind shut off at night.....and then I don't want to get out of bed" I replied.

"It's part of having such high anxiety....you have all these things going on in your mind-that's understandable"

"I feel like I'm just doing the same things day after day....prying myself out of bed,changing diapers,doing laundry-I never get time with my husband-and I don't even want to answer the phone when people call!"

By now I've gone through two tissues.

"I hate to sound like a bad mom,but I'm so glad school is starting in 3 weeks...I'm hoping it will be easier with Caleb not there tormenting and instigating things with his brothers"

There's no stopping me-I have so many feelings of guilt and incompetence.....

"I try so hard NOT to yell that I keep it all in and end up creating an anxiety attack for myself"

I explain how I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a gentle parent and to follow attachment parenting.

"Attachment parenting doesn't mean you are perfect-it means that you nurture and gently guide your children to a healthy state of independence" she pointed out.

"You want a healthy balance of dependence and independence" she added.

It makes me wonder where I fall on that.....

"I just want to have energy and feel in control of my life again" I pouted.

"You know,you meet all the criteria of someone who is depressed...and I was going to give it another few weeks-but I feel strongly that if we don't see some improvement by next week that we should start you on an SSRI"

I sighed.

She continued:

"I know you said that medication was a last resort,but I just hate to see you struggling so much"

We talked about some of the medications and the side affects....and I mentioned how I had been doing the relaxation exercises,but while they worked in the moment,I still felt an overall sense of anxiety.
I expressed the concern over what medications might do-from making things worse to making me gain weight.

"They have done amazing work in most recent years-most of the ones I might try with you don't have the side effects we used to see,like lowered libido for instance" she explained.

Yeah,that's the last thing I need.....hah!

I have six more days before I need to give an answer.

"Be prepared to be weepy for a while"

I was looking forward to my therapy session....I want to deal with whatever is causing postpartum depression so that I can move on with my life!

So on the fluffy brown couch I sit-it's overstuffed and my feet can't touch the floor- "Are you comfortable?" my therapist asks-without waiting for an answer she adds "You're so petite!".
Uh-what?

I giggle and think to myself "petite,yeah....what part of me-not around obvisously-she must mean five-foot,five inches is short"

We start talking about my week-and I go into details about how up until the previous day I had been feeling much better.

"My husband and I had a fight.....about spaghetti"

I sense her extreme curiosity and elaborate "I didn't want it to go to waste and he didn't want to eat it,so he said it was stupid to make so much because nobody eats it"
By this time I was balling (because that's what I do nowadays)

She asked what happened next.
"I went to my room and spent the next 4 hours crying because my husband doesn't know how to comfort me!!"

It's true.



But to be a little fair,I'm not the same 'girl' I was two years ago.
I used to be tough and capable of sticking up for myself.
Now my lip trembles and tears fill my eyes at the mere mention of my doing something less than perfectly.

We talked about how men sometimes get 'weird' when their woman is weepy-and how he might be dealing with his own emotions-and many men lash out or say insensitive things when they are stressed or depressed.

"It's not just about the spaghetti!" she said laughing.
We talked about trying to use "I feel" while talking instead of "You do this/You don't do that".

I told her "I didn't even want to eat the spaghetti because I'm watching my carbs-but I didn't want to throw it out!"

"WHOA,I don't want you cutting carbs right now"

HUH? Are you kidding me right now?

"When people are depressed,carbs are what helps them get by-so no cutting them just yet" she ordered.

"I just really want to lose some of this weight...I'm tired of it" I pleaded.

"You need to give yourself more time-you have a lot to deal with" she gently responded.

Great....

As if that wasn't enough she added "And I like to warn people that it can get worse before it gets better-be prepared to be weepy for a while longer"

Oh,that's just terrific!
I just love having the tears falling for no apparent reason and not being able to control them.
OK,so all the boo-hooing out of the way.....

She went over some relaxation exercises to help block/reduce cortisol (stress hormone) production.

The first one was a breathing exercise much like what I instinctively use during childbirth.
Closing your eyes can be helpful.
You take a deep breath for the count of five seconds breathing in 1-2-3-4-5.
Then you breathe out for five seconds and imagine your belly button being pulled into your back.
The point is to help rid of all the air-and out 1-2-3-4-5.
You do this for a couple of minutes.

The next one she showed me was flex and relax.
You start with your feet,then your calves,then your thighs,buttocks,abs,chest,hands,arms,back and neck.
You flex/tighten the muscle for five seconds and then relax them slowly,concentrating on the hold and release.

She explained that in the special-ops they use this training for reducing stress while in combat for weeks at a time.

"Try to have an evening routine"


Her suggestions
Take a nice bubble bath-you can even do your relaxation exercises in the tub.
Use lavender candles,lavender bath salts-they can be calming.
I actually do have a lavender scented candle on a candle warmer in my bedroom.


I'm not much of a bubble bath person.....only when I'm pregnant-which I'm not.
But I suppose I could at least 'try' to take a bath sometime.


I'm actually excited to go for my session on Tuesday....even if I do ball my eyes out.

My Favorite Bread Recipe

When I was growing up,my mother always baked fresh homemade bread;I recall eating the dough and then paying for it later with an upset stomach-which my father told me was due to the dough 'rising' in my intestines....I'm still not sure if he was just trying to keep me from eating the dough or if it really does 'rise' in my stomach.......I should Google that.

Since becoming a wife and mother,I have been searching for a recipe I could make my 'own' signature one.
I have finally discovered one!
I enjoy making my bread into a braided loaf-which we generally use as a side to soup or with butter as an addition to any meal-and this recipe works wonderfully!

It doesn't come out heavy or tough,and instead is super fluffy and light-which makes it not last very long in this house-but it's so yummy it's worth it!!

It's so great I thought I would share with my friends-YOU!

Honey-Whole Wheat Bread

prep:35 min; Rise:1.5 hr;Bake:45 min
Makes 2 loaves-total of about 32 servings

3 cups whole wheat flour
1/3 cup honey
1/4 cup shortening -I use a non-hydrogenated one
1 tablespoon salt
2 packages regular or quick active dry yeast (about 4 1/2 teaspoons)
2 1/4 cups very warm water ( 120 degrees)
3-4 cups all purpose or bread flour
Butter melted if desired for brushing over loaves after baking

Mix WW flour,honey,salt,yeast,shortening and water until well mixed (this will be very moist-no fear-you will be adding more flour).
Then add the AP flour one cup at a time until the dough is easy to handle ( think not stick-but not dry either).

Take the dough and place on a floured surface;knead until springy (think 'dough-boy' not to heavy,but very bouncy).
Place in a greased bowl-coating dough evenly by 'turning' one placed in the bowl;place in a warm spot,covered (I use a dishtowel over my bowl).
Let rise until double (usually about 1-2 hours) and then place on a lightly floured surface.
At this point it's up to you how you shape your loaves.

You can make a classic bread loaf,or-like me- you can split the dough into two sections,and then use each of those to make a braid by dividing the dough into three sections and braiding.

 Pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees.
You can allow the loaves to rise more while the oven pre-heats.
I don't generally need to bake for anywhere NEAR 45 minutes-it's closer to 20 minutes-so watch closely!

Soft and fluffy braided bread

I use the same recipe for ooey gooey cinnamon rolls

"Diagnosis Depression"

It's been almost two years since the sobbing,irritability and a host of other symptoms consumed me.

For the past few weeks I've been frantically seeking therapy-and for the first five phone calls I was told that because I have insurance I couldn't qualify for a reduced fee and since my insurance wouldn't pay a single cent towards counseling until our deductible is met,I had to slam the phone down out of frustration each time.

Every time I would hear "I'm sorry,we aren't able to help you" I would feel instant sadness....How could I keep putting myself out there,asking for help and being turned away?

I finally received a phone call back from a christian counseling clinic.
"We can help you"

YES!!

I had to wait a week for an appointment that would fit into my schedule.....and that week was LONG.

Today was the day.

I met my therapist.
As soon as she asked me to share my 'story',I just burst into tears!
"I'm sorry,I thought I might do this" I said.
"You aren't the first one,it happens a lot" she replied.

I started my story by explaining how my life turned upside down soon after I became pregnant for Jacobi in October 2010.
I told her how I'd been sick and how I wanted to sleep all day,yet no matter how tired I was,getting to sleep at night was impossible for me.

I went on to share how after I had Jacobi,I was unable to shed the baby weight and how completely exhausted I was.
I explained that I cried a lot and how I just wanted to lay in bed all day.
I described-with tears streaming down my face-how difficult just providing for my other children had become,how making the boys dinner took everything out of me.
It was at this point that she looked me in the eyes and with a sympathetic face asked "Do you know now what all of this was?"
I nodded.

"Postpartum Depression"

She didn't have to tell me....

I went on to share how my whole life is affected by these feelings.
How I still don't want to get out of bed,how anxious I feel and how I often just want to run away.

When I told her how I have reoccurring dreams about leaving my children at home alone while I go somewhere,only to remember and rush home to them,she informed me that I am probably very hard on myself.

"You want to be a good mom,but when you don't do something as 'good' as you think you should,this is your brain continuing to beat you up,even in your sleep!"

We talked about some homeopathic things I can try.

Omega-3's and avoiding caffeine are on my list.
Recognizing when I'm feeling a certain way and writing it down in a journal so we can discuss ways to manage those feelings.
She is glad that I'm a breakfast eater and wants me to continue with the type of diet/nutrition I am currently eating.

After over an hour of balling my eyes out,I realized that I had touched on so many subjects and I still have more to talk about!

My therapist said a prayer to close my session,and I just couldn't stop crying!
"I must have needed this for a while!" I said.
"It can be good for you to get things out" she replied.

She handed me a book "Women's Mood's-what every woman must know about hormones,the brain and emotional health" by Deborah Sichel M.D. and Jeanne Watson Driscoll,M.S.,C.S.

I look forward to having quiet time so I can read it.

She also noted that I shouldn't yet rule out medication because sometimes it is really needed and can be very helpful.
"I don't want to leave you hanging out there for too long" she said.

Thank God.

I'm tired of hanging.
That's how I feel most of the time...I'm just *here*.

I'm only getting through the day-not living it.

Hopefully a few months of ball-my-eyes-out sessions will help me get back where I want to be......

The Highs and Lows........PPD

I don't know how many people will really get this.....probably the women who have been where I am.
Maybe this will help some folks understand the reality of Postpartum Depression-the reality I've been living for over a year now.

I always thought that PPD was a severe mental disease that made women want to kill their babies.

After having three children I never experienced more than a couple of days worth of the 'baby blues' which consisted mostly of post birth 'let down'-of no longer feeling the anticipation of meeting my baby....and of course a few tears.

I didn't feel like I needed to worry about ever having PPD-it just couldn't be in the cards for me....right?

WRONG.


When I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant for my fourth baby,I was in the midst of planning our wedding (yes,we do things a bit backwards around here.....) and had just become a full time stay at home mom.
I wasn't upset that I would be a mother again;I feel that children are the biggest blessing in life and I felt honored that God chose to have me experience this again.

I ended up with a really bad ear infection-which gave me a fever of 102.2 for over a week.
I also had morning sickness ALL day and my energy levels were non-existent.
For almost 2 months it felt as though I had been run over by a train.

I noticed that I was really emotional and I cried a lot.

I was sick once more around 24 weeks and this time it was a cough/fever combination.
Our marriage was struggling....with my lack of energy and illness,I could barely keep it together to get out of bed when my husband had to leave for work at 3pm.

I also had soreness related to my pregnancy-my pelvis felt like it would split and my hips hurt so bad I could barely turn over in bed.
At 39 weeks I had gained 50 lbs-but I didn't really worry since in the past I always lost the baby weight within 3-4 months,so this wouldn't be a big deal......

I put SO much thought into how peaceful and natural my homebirth would be-and it was.

It was perfect.

The transition to life after the birth of a new baby always takes a few weeks.....so when the overwhelming emotions kicked in,I wasn't too concerned-"Just give it more time" I would tell myself.

On Facebook my mama friends would post how they took their children to a park or a store and it seemed so 'free' and easy for them......I on the other hand could barely feed my children supper without feeling suffocated and anxious.
I really just thought I was a bad mom....maybe I just wasn't cut out to have more than a couple of kids-or any at all.

Each day was a battle....and it continued.
After a couple of months,I noticed that the 18 lbs I had lost after Jacobi's birth,had crept back on.
I realized that everytime I felt stressed or overwhelmed,I was darting into the kitchen and eating something.
I felt unattractive......And I was sore-my pelvis was still very tender from pregnancy.

I also wasn't sleeping well.....even when Jacobi would go to sleep at night,when I SHOULD be sleeping I couldn't.
I would stay up late and watch TV or be on the internet....relaxation was far from possible.
Most nights I would sleep less than 4 hours total....and it was broken up.
A few times I just couldn't take it and I would impulsively get in the van barefooted in the middle of the night once my husband was home and just drive for a while.

Being a patient person-mostly by nature-I barely recognized myself at times.

I would ask my oldest child to do something and if he had a difficult time following directions (which we usually struggle with) I would feel breathless and irritated.
And then the guilt would kick in....I would end every day thinking "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be the mom that I want to be so badly????"
The phone would ring and I just didn't want to answer it......but at the same time I felt desperately alone.

It took everything in me just to take a shower....let alone even imagine entertaining anyone!

My husband didn't understand how to help me and he would get frustrated.....I would cry over everything-sometimes it was because of his just not being there for me like I needed.
I would blame myself....I tried so hard to keep the house tidy and have dinner made for him.
I wanted to enjoy the baby,be a good,involved mom to my other children....but much of the time I would sit and cry while my older children watched episode after episode of Dora the Explorer.

I never really had serious 'suicidal' thoughts-thankfully.....but I did want to run away.
There was never once I wanted to hurt my baby-or any of my children.
A lot of times I would be so upset that I would frantically tell my husband to "Take the baby!!" because I felt so much tension in my body that I felt like throwing something and I didn't feel I should be holding the baby.

When Jacobi was about 6 months old,I was researching a breastfeeding issue we were having......I stumbled on a page in my Ina May Gaskin's guide to breastfeeding :

Risk factors that are associated with postpartum depression-and I had 10 out of 16.

REALLY?
THIS is my problem?

I looked at the symptoms:
Sad or anxious feelings
Insomnia
Headaches
Mood swings
Poor appetite (which I later read that weight loss OR gain are symptoms)
Panic attacks

And I had almost all of them.

Not being a big fan of doctors or medication,I decided to try to 'cure' my own PPD.

I started out with just vitamins and exercise,followed by attempting a healthier diet and some 'self care' which consisted of taking a little time for me every day.

Things seemed to get a little better for the next couple of months....I would have bad days here and there,but I thought I was handling it much better.

A couple of months after we moved into our new house (Jacobi was 9 months old) I had to pull my oldest son-and our only school aged child-out of public school due to it not being a good fit for his special needs.

I started homeschooling him.
At first,it went really well....but after a week he started regressing and having meltdowns.
I realized that trying to homeschool a child with autism was putting me in over my head.
And I started feeling guilty and incompetent once more.
Here I was,unable to teach my child-and still not being the mom I 'wanted' to be...all the while seeing how my 'facebook mama friends' were homeschooling their children and/or doing all sorts of activities.

I couldn't do it.

I wanted to bake bread,play with the kids and teach them how to make their beds.
I wanted to make cookies with the boys,sing fun songs and take them to the park.

And I just couldn't do it.
I felt the anxiety creeping in....it was dreadfully overwhelming.

I told my husband one day "I feel it happening all over again....I feel smothered and hopeless"

Sure enough,within a week or so,I hit that deep,dark place.
I would just sit and cry....I would stare off into space and wish the world would stop spinning.


I am still struggling....

Nothing I have done has helped very much-although I do notice the highs are usually closer together and last longer than the lows.

I feel like I don't really know who to turn to...I can't afford counseling-and we're not considered low income,so I can't recieve 'sliding scale' fees.
I'm scared of medication and what it might do to me.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I can't stick to a healthy diet and exercise plan.
I 'eat my emotions'.

I eat to fill the void in my life where I feel out of control and alone.

I really want another baby......and my husband does too.
But I am concerned about my mood swings and how pregnancy would effect that.
I am also bothered by getting pregnant when I need to lose at least 45 lbs to be at a decent weight (and even that isn't close to my 'ideal' body weight).

When Jacobi suddenly stopped nursing at 11 1/2 months old,I thought "Oh no....I don't know if I can handle this!"

It's hard,but I'm getting through it.

I want so badly to be in control of my emotions.
I want to feel confident and healthy.

I want postpartum depression to hit the road.

And then the ice cube fell on the floor....

It's been a rough day.
I've had a battle going on in my brain since 6am.

Why should I pretend to be happy all the time....I just can't force myself to tell everyone that I am 'blessed' to have a child with autism....blessed to have my child,yes!
But lately,I feel like the walls are closing in again.

Some parents of children with autism might be able to blog about how autism brought them together,or how the new therapies are working well.
Maybe they're in denial that autism affects their family......

I feel like I'm alone.
I feel like day in and day out this is my life.....I want to cry.I want to scream.
I want to get rid of the knot in my stomach.

I am tired of the traumatic moments in my day.
I shudder thinking about him screaming at me.......
I see him influencing his younger brothers behavior.
What can I do to make it STOP.

I wouldn't be human if I said our life is perfect with autism.
I have searched for help for nearly 6 years!
I have had more than 13 different prescriptions placed in my hands.
2 different psychiatrists.
3 social workers.
Upwards of nine 'potential' diagnosis' everything from ADHD to bipolar disorder.

And yet NOBODY will say it.
Nobody will help me.

Because he's high functioning,it just appears that it's ME.
AND I AM TIRED OF THAT.......I am SOooo tired.

It's wearing on me.
My days are blending into the same fight everyday to keep it together.
Today was one of those days...I felt weak.I felt sad.
One thing after another......

And then the ice cube fell on the floor.

That's The Most Ginormous Diaper Bag EVER!

My Diaper Bag had HAD it.

So much for Jeep slogans:


                                      
                                                 
  "The Sun Never Sets On The Mighty Jeep"
                                                 
  "The toughest 4 letter word on wheels"

ok,they can have that last one since it's not on wheels......

 
My Jeep brand diaper bag was falling apart inside and out-and I suppose I'm really lucky it lasted as long as it did for being a $30 bag from Walmart.

Unfortunately,not only did they not carry this bag anymore,it wouldn't have mattered because I wasn't really happy with it.
It wasn't roomy enough-even though it was large in comparison to most diaper bags-for my needs.
I needed something large and spacious for cloth diapering-especially having three children in cloth diapers!
It also had ZERO pockets on the inside of the bag....This might not matter to some moms,but I am a really organized person and I like having things at least somewhat in their place.
I was stumped when I started shopping for a new bag...like astonished at how there were NO diaper bags large enough to suit our needs!
I shopped at nearly every store in town,many online stores and found nothing.

Some moms in the cloth diapering community suggested the Ju Ju Be Be Prepared diaper bag....I was a bit skeptical on the price-okay a LOT skeptical.
But then I considered all the reviews,the fact it does have a warranty,the fact that I will be using a diaper bag for at least the next 6-7 years (given that we have another baby).
I also considered how many diaper bags I have purchased in the last 8 years since having my first baby...I've gone through 7 bags!

After watching review videos and talking to hubby,I made the leap.
I am now the oh-so-proud owner of the Ju Ju Be Be-Prepared diaper bag.
It was an investment-I mean some people spend that much money just going out to dinner every month or so.
Considering the warranty,I can't call it a bad decision for me......but that's me!

'Evening Vines' print

A little sparkle on each zipper

It's a very big bag!

  *See my YouTube Channel for videos and MORE!*

What's in my closet?

Welcome to our Family Closet

Off to the left are my things hanging and the dresser underneath
is the two little boys pajamas,socks and summer clothes.
You can also see my laundry area through the doorway.

The wall on straight ahead: on the left is my 7 yr olds clothes,
his shirts are hanging along with some nice pants and hoodies.
Underneath in the dresser are his and Jeremiahs pjs,socks,undies
and of course summer clothes!
Also,hubby's jeans,work uniforms and nice shirts are hanging
in the middle,and under his clothes are the three little boys
hanging shirts and hoodies.their pants are folded above their shirts.

There is an additional hanging bar above the two tall dressers,
it's not being used for much currently.
The two dressers are mine and hubby's 'other' clothes and misc.
On the far right is the 'misc' and coat hanging area.I store the
extra coats and jackets there and on the shelf above I have
extra diaper bags and totes with winter wear (gloves/hats etc).

Another view
We used the Rubbermaid closet kits...but I recommend buying the
parts you actually need in separate pieces...we ended up with a
lot of stuff we can't use in this area or don't need.

And my laundry area!
I have a different washer now than in this picture...
I love having lots of baskets!
I keep extra hangers in the bar next to the cabinets and I have
a useful folding table!

Thanks for stopping by!